Tales From The 57 States: John Wins in Shaman Rick’s House
By Lee Cary
It came to pass in the eighth year of the third millennium that a long race decided who became Leader of the Realm of the Fifty-seven States. A position many called The Potus.
Running in this race were two men: John the Warrior, who had long fought for the Realm, and a young scribe whose followers heralded as His Obamaness, the Favored One, for they believe he had been chosen by the gods to rule over them and could do no wrong.
In these days there were other realms ruled by men who did not smile upon the Fifty-seven States. Men like Putin the Terrible, Hugo the Oil Barron, and Mahmoud of Persia. John the Warrior looked upon them all with a furrowed brow, while His Obamaness longed to speak with them to sooth their angry hearts, for words were His swords while John favored swords of metal for defense.
John came from the Clan of Elephants, although he was not favored among all the pachyderms because he did not always run with the herd. His Obamaness was of the Clan of Donkeys and an adopted scion of the powerful Daley’s who ruled the southern shore of the Lake called Michigan. There he had been a “community organizer” – a guild that no one could clearly define.
It came to pass that a senior court jester among the Donkeys, Dean the Mad Alchemist, said that John spoke only for white people. But few heeded his words after the day he screamed in victory after losing a race in the Land of the Hawkeyes. From then on, many looked upon his countenance as being oddly disturbed.
It was also true then that most of the town criers of the 57 States, like Matthews of the Tingling Leg, Katie of Couric, and Obberman the Doberman, were quick to speak well of His Obamaness but not so inclined toward John the Warrior.
As the race wore on, the people asked to hear the two men speak together so they could decide who would be The Potus. [snip] Then one day a shaman, highly trusted by the people, Rick of Warren, offered to referee a contest between His Obamaness and John in a way that would favor neither man. All the people upon hearing of this said, “Sounds good.”[snip]
In the fullness of time, His Obamaness finished speaking and it was John’s turn to come before the people.[snip] As John began to speak, the disciples of His Obamaness did not fear his words for they believed they walked behind One swift of tongue and quick of thought beyond all others….many gazing upon the contest declared John’s words as more pleasing to their ears than those from His Obamaness.
This then became a cause for great tribulation and gnashing of teeth by the Obamites, for such thoughts were to them an abomination.[snip] But as word of the verbal jousting in the House of Shaman Rick spread across the land, people saw that, indeed, John the Warrior had bested His Obamaness, and done so decisively. That left the Obamites with but one thing to say, as reported by Andrea, Crier of the Capital, and wife of the former Exchequer of the Realm. She proclaimed that the Obamites had offered up loud lamentations crying, “John cheated.”
For in the eyes of His followers, His Obamaness could not possibly have lost to John otherwise.
( Fade to Black with more wailing and gnashing of teeth by the Obamites! Last shot–The Silent Majority smiling and filled with great JOY. ) Hip Hip Hooray!